Race to Witch Mountain - 1 star

This movie sucks really bad. Its considered a remake or reimagining of 1975's Escape to Witch Mountain, but the only thing it has in common with the original is its about two kids with powers.

Escape to Witch Mountain was about two orphans, Tony and Tia Malone. She can talk to him telepathically, but he can't talk to her that way. They can both move things with their minds, but he usually has to play a harmonica to make it happen. She also has the ability to talk to animals. We meet Tony and Tia at a foster home. When Tia saves a man from being hit by a car by telling him about the accident before it happens, the man goes back to his boss Mr. Bolt and tells him about the kids and their powers. Mr. Bolt decides to adopt the kids so he can exploit their powers.

A running theme throughout the movie is the kids can't remember where they came from. They remember being on a boat that sunk and floating in the water for a while. As the movie goes on they remember more and more until eventually they figure out that it was a space ship, not a boat, and they aren't from Earth. They also meet a lonely, bitter old man named Jason (Eddie Albert) and befriend him.

I grew up watching Escape to Witch Mountain and while I admit that I may remember it more fondly than it deserves, Race to Witch Mountain makes it look like Citizen Kane. The new movie stars Dwayne Johnson (formerly known as 'The Rock') as Jack Bruno. In this movie, he is the main character, not the kids. There is some setup where we learn that he used to work for a Vegas mob boss, and now he drives a cab. He meets the alien kids (names Sara and Seth in this movie) and we know they are aliens from the start because they talk like robots. Nevermind that they know fluent English, they can't figure out how to use contractions. There is no reason for them to talk that way, except the screenwriter thought it would be a good idea. Someone should have stopped him. You have to be a really good actor to pull that off (think Brent Spiner in Star Trek: TNG).

The kids / aliens are trying to find some little device and take it home with them. Why didn't they just fly their ship to where the device is? Well, they crashed, although we never find out why they crashed. Did something happen? Are they just bad pilots? So they get Jack Bruno to drive them to where the device is. We know his name is Jack Bruno because Sara calls him 'Jack Bruno' every 2 minutes. You would think eventually she would just call him Jack, but that idiot screenwriter again ...

When they get to the shack where the device is hidden, Jack (Bruno) should just drive away. Instead, he decides to follow the kids in the house and help them. Why does he do that? Because we wouldn't have a movie otherwise. I didn't think it was believable that he would follow them in the house. They just paid him something like $1,000 cash. He has no attachment to these kids. They tell him this is where they want to go, so he leaves them there. My question is why didn't they try to get him to stay and help them? They know they have to get to their ship, which is a ways away. They know the men in black are after them. If Jack hadn't been a nice guy and stuck around, they would have been screwed.

The dialogue is terrible in this movie, and the acting is worse. I know a lot of people are loving Dwayne Johnson, but I don't think he is good enough to carry a movie. He is fine in supporting roles like Get Smart or Be Cool, but someone much better might have made this movie bearable. Since all the performances are so bad, I think the director must be to blame. His credits include She's the Man and The Game Plan.

Oh, and the movie includes cameos by the original Tony and Tia, Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann. Eisenmann is fine as a local sherrif, but Richards' performance shows why she hasn't been in very many movies since Witch Mountain. She only has a few lines to deliver, and they are embarassingly bad. And what is up with her tan???